Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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