so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
