I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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