Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
