if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
