I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
