I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
