Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
