im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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