you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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