Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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