My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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