i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Come see our sink grown plant.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
