I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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