Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
