We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
