i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
