But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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