I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
