Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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