i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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