So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Congratulations! We have a period
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