I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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