Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
