He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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