remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
