My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
