We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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