It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
