I'm jealous of your bromance
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
