im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
