i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
