I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
