Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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