Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
