I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
