dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
