I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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