This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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