Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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