Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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