He is an equal opportunity slut.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
