dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
