Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sober January is a disaster.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
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After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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