I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
