remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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