Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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