You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
