Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
