Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
