Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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