I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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