Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
