So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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