Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
