you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
